90-year-old armed with toe-clipper causes terrorist scare

A 90-year-old women caused a major terrorist alert this afternoon at JFK Airport in New York after being caught attempting to smuggle a toe-clipper past customs.  Eight heavily armed security guards had to tackle the pensioner to the ground to restrain her.  The incident occurred as the suspect attempted to board flight 103 from New York to Seattle.

The government acted robustly in response to the incident by immediately raising the domestic terrorist threat from amber to red on the Homeland Security Terrorism Advisory Scale. 

Meanwhile, a customs spokesman for the airport confirmed that “security personnel acted rapidly and proportionally to neutralise a terrorist threat at 3.53pm today to restore public safety.”

The Obama Administration has acknowledged the occurrence and has advised citizens to remain vigilant. A senior source said, “A deplorable act of terror has been foiled yet again by the courage of those in security serving selflessly. Americans need to remain on high alert and to report any suspicious activity to the trustworthy authorities. Ask yourselves necessary questions such as: is my best friend a terrorist? Does my home have multiple evacuation routes planned for when Bin Laden returns?"

After being arrested, the woman was transported to segregated confinement for pre-custodial inmates at a nearby supermax security unit reserved for the ‘worst of the worst’.  Typically housing involves 23-hour-per-day, single-cell confinement coupled with minimal human contact, and potato-peeling luncheon.

Under anti-terrorism legislation the 90-year-old perpetrator will be provided with no legal representation if deemed a threat to national security and could face a minimum tariff of 40 years in jail on conviction.

The dreadful security concern come just a week after a terrorist scare happened when a 6-year old suspect described as being from Pakistani origin was seen farting over the Atlantic. 

Heterosexual surge in divorce numbers blamed on gay marriage

The number of divorces across America has risen sharply over the past several months according to a recent report by the Christian think-tank ‘The Biblical Interpretation of Gays and Other Transgressors (BIGOT).

The report entitled ‘The wider implications of Queer Marriage’ argues that the 15% rise straight-couple divorces seen over the past year correlates strongly to the gradual legalisation of same-sex marriage within in America. Seventeen States currently facilitate gay marriage and the number is increasing. The report also warns of further extreme weather including flooding as society suffers the full impact of God’s wrath over the immorality.

Professor Rodger Smith, who is the think-tank’s coordinator, and an expert in Christian Theology, said that the results prove that unnatural gay marriage leads directly to higher divorce rates amongst straight couples whilst massacring the traditions of marriage.

He said, “Marriage is deeply rooted in human nature and is thus governed through natural laws. The most elementary concept of this is that good is pursued and wrongful acts of immorality are avoided. No judicial fiat by federal or state courts can alter this and many wider societal problems are related to this violation of God’s law. For many Americans the gayness now tainting marriage gives it an unnatural texture like GM foods and medical intervention. America supports none of this and hence the increase in straight couple divorce rates which is being imposed on them by homosexuals.”

He continued, “Marriage should provide the beneficial fruits for a stable, moral and affectionate atmosphere similar to those moments we saw inside the 48-hour marriage of Britney Speares. The sanctity of this should not be squandered because of a few choosy sexual deviants. Those that believe homosexuality is not a choice are those who also claim that the world is round.” 

A broken-hearted women from Texas, Martha, 39, struggled to hold back tears when describing the devastating impact gay marriage had on her 20-year relationship  with husband Bill, 41.

She said, “Back in the happier days we were positive about the future and would fondly coo to each other as caring couples do. But the he decision by judges to legalise same-sex marriage has ripped our family apart. We just want to be placed on a pedestal by the government to make us feel legislatively unique. We know we’ve got something special which is only shared by 96% of the wider population. It’s not that we hate gays but they just don’t have it. Myself and Bill just cannot look at each other in the same loving way anymore. I've told him that if its over we will still be cousins at least” 

Martha said that when gay marriage became legal in Illinois it was the final blow after her husband, Bill, had been facing ongoing psychological damage attributed to the spread of gay culture

She said, “He used to love to wear his pink shirt with a rainbow logo on it. But he couldn’t go out with it anymore without people thinking it was his gay badge. He kept muttering that the homosexuals stole his rainbow and he wanted it back. He just couldn’t take it anymore.” Bill suddenly interjected, “But..but, I’m not gay, I’m just sensitive I tell you!”

A source, who wished to remain anonymous, said that they are  worried about the long-term effects of homosexual tolerance promoted to children. 

“The most popular kids at my children’s school are all openly gay and freely hold hands in the playground. It’s like the coolest thing you can be now. I worry about the legalisation of gay marriage because gay people only ever raise gay children and it spreads. What happens if straight people became the stigmatised minority instead? Society shouldn’t have to change its foundations for these weirdos. It’s not like we had to change any laws because of cars, inter-racial marriage and progressive stuff like that.”

The report comes just days after a federal court declared Utah’s ban on same-sex marriage as unconstitutional. The debate continues….

'Revolutionary` environmental plan unveiled by UK government

David Cameron has today announced the Conservative-Liberal Democrat coalition’s package of new environmental policies designed to combat the unwanted effects of climate change.

The Prime Minister was keen to express his newly found green roots to our news reporter, “You see to help combat environment change the answer isn’t to cut pollution levels or to tax cars because it's bad for the economy,” said a very convinced looking Mr Cameron. "We’ve been getting it all wrong these years.  All we have to do is convince everyone in this country to drink ten gallons of water a day to help combat rising sea levels.”

The Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osborne, has reinforced the Prime ministers innovation, "Times are especially hard for the public out there who are being relentlessly squeezed from all directions.  The positive side of climate change needs to enter the debate. The warming of the climate will be particularly helpful to decrease heating bills of low income families whose living costs have hit stratospheric heights.  Embracing climate change is now official government policy.”

Mr Cameron’s comments have provoked supportive replies from most major right-wing tabloid newspapers, who have for years condemned the cold and wet British weather and would prefer a more 'attractive', ‘desirable’ and 'Mediterranean' climate after 2013 was declared statistically the wettest year on record. 

Rupert Murdock's 'The Sun' initiated their own front page campaign entitled "MAKE IT HAPPEN FASTER", they encourage the public to "drive as unnecessarily as possible" and "to abuse aerosol spray cans obscenely".  They also added that The Guardian's campaign to encourage tree plantation was "ridiculous" and branded them "typical left-wing glacier-huggers with zero scientific substance". The Daily Mail conclued that these are 'revolutionary ideas' and that "millions of Brits will no longer need to flock to Spain to pursue a decent holiday".

Meanwhile, as news of the British strategy reached across the Atlantic, President Barack Obama responded officially at the White House and gave his verdict on how to fight global warming. "After seeing the disgusting carnage and flooding of Hurricane Sandy, I need to reach out to my fellow Americans.   With more impending disasters this leaves a President only one remaining choice: federally subsidised swimming lessons for all.”

Former President George Bush was also at hand to give an enlightening opinion. “The only counter to global warming is an American-made nuclear winter against Iran." He continued, “Polar bears might be extinct soon, I’m always told, and who goddamn cares? All bears do is kill people and steal honey.”

Thomas Daily, the Chairman of 'Corporations United in Neglecting Trees Society' (CUNTS), which is an institution that lobbies government officials, told our reporter that corporate interests should be at the heart of environmental government policy. "Solar panels become more effective and the sales of ice-cream and bikinis rocket directly from the rise in temperature.  The profits for business are immeasurable in the global fight for climate change. I can't think of a single negative consequence stemming from the destruction and plundering of the planet's resources.

Traditionally China has ignored plans to install any type of environmental regulations on their country, but even they seem to see the sense in the British Prime Ministers logic.  Rumours are surfacing that Chinese authorities are planning to commit themselves in creating 10 million new acres of rice paddy fields per day.  It is hoped that the perpetual release of methane gas into the atmosphere can destroy the ozone layer in order to see the positive effects of global warming.

I'm officially pro forced-abortion

When engaging in mundane life I always seem to bump into people who I cannot stand.  This has been a recent trend for me and it happened again today. I'm an anti-social bastard and losing contact with people is quite normal.

"Hi Misanthrope, long time no see," said the pram pushing girl. My attempt to maneuver my back towards the girl in order to shield my identity had failed miserably. I wasn't in the mood for "catching up" with inane chatter or speaking to people who I have no interest in knowing.

She picked up her little bundle of horrors out of the pram, which hid her enormous belly (she must be expecting a second at the age of barely 17) and stared at me with verbal expectation.

"...a lucrative career in chronic breeding, slut," I muttered under my breath still not facing her properly.

"Sorry?.." She said.

"I said... great to see you, cute kid you have there!" I said feigning enthusiasm.

This of course a double lie. I wasn't please to see her nor was her child 'cute'.

Why do mothers insist that all kids are cute? I've seen some disgusting little runts out there and this future criminal was up there with the ugliest.

I didn't know whether to offer my condolences for giving birth such a putrid creature or to call NASA and inform them that the invasion had begun.

"His name is David, but this one wasn't planned", she said proudly pointing to her belly unaware of my prior sarcasm.

"Ohhh, accidents happen you know," I said wishing that the 'accident' she suffered was falling down the stairs instead of her panties being ankle warmers again.

I was quickly weighing up my options on what to say next.

Having a kid and no father is a terrible situation. Mothers may as well stick a large fluorescent sign on their head saying "most unfortunate make-shift father needed". It's a truly terrifying thought.

What made matters worse in this pandemonium is that informing them that their child is potentially from Mars is often considered quite rude.

"It must be so rewarding being a single mum and no dad," I said, I was nearly about to punch myself in the face for saying something so ridiculous.

No doubt this girl had barely embarked on a long career of government reliance. In a society that morally endorses abortion why heavily subsidise the despicably irresponsible?

"Oh Misanthrope, how sweet of you! I didn't know you liked kids?" she asked.

I couldn't take this nonsense any longer. I needed to run home in order self-medicate by drinking heavily alone. I made my apologies and said that I needed an urgent psychiatric appointment and scuttled away quickly to avoid any more unwanted social interaction.

Obviously, I do like children, but only when they are well-behaved or locked in cages.

A helpful shove for the suicidal

Don’t you just hate it when some selfish suicidal bastard decides to sit on the edge of a building for 3 hours instead of quickly jumping? The police block off the entire area turning it into a static waiting game until the offender jumps. When he’s done the deed everyone is pointing and laughing while the medical team scrape the mushy remains into a bucket to take to the zoo to feed the hyenas.

I’m not saying that you shouldn't enjoy your suicide, after all you only die once and therefore you need to make the most of it.  I know that suicide can be an excellent stunt to get revenge on your girlfriend after she has dumped you.  It can also be an escape from embarrassment if you have failed your exams. Suicide can be a permanent solution for an epic failure like yourself. However, please do not let it affect others in the process.

Also, make it an entertaining suicide:  head-butt a wall instead or try drink a bottle of bleach.  We don't want to see any more fat people belly-flopping off buildings onto the hard concrete or teenagers attempting paracetamol overdoses, thank you. I'm officially a suicide prevention counsellor and if anyone wants my advice just ask for my number. 

My first idea to prevent these ongoing nuisance from happening needs the employment of The Designated Pusher. At any time when a depressed attention seeking loony wants to kill themselves by jumping off a building The Pusher -who is dressed in a full length flowing cape and silly mask- will run behind him to give a helpful shove while the police are distracting him with a loud speaker. Ultimately this cuts down on congestion, police time, and general frustration. These people feel like the worst people in the world and they are in need of a little help. They are not just recklessly suicidal but are also highly indecisive.

My second idea is to place a large thin piece of paper on the concrete ground to where the offending time waster is planning to jump, this plain paper will mimic the look of a giant cushion thus fooling him into jumping.  There could be a Suicide Betting League where rich white men bet thousands on when the jumper is going to kill themselves by using a timer. The closest guesser is the winner! I see many niches and profits available with this idea.

An old women called me an 'arsehole'

I got shoved by some decrepit old fucker in the local shop earlier who then instantaneously ignited a cannon ball of abuse at me.   I stood there cold staring at her decaying matter in surprised confusion.

Local shops may be diverse demographic dreamlands during weekends that would make any mainstream-multicultural politician squeal with delight, but during working hours they are dominated largely by old people.  Naturally, I don't like old people very much as there is nothing worse than having to listen to some piss-drenched OAP ramble about cats and ‘Ted next door’.

Old people are a serious burden on our society’s youth with their unaffordable pension schemes and colossal usage of NHS resources.  Every generation should pay for itself. These people have had good innings they should be grateful for that and willingly wallop their wickets all-out for lifes last dissmisal.   Prolonging the inevitable is futile as their impending doom and slobbering senility deepens.

Being the Misanthropist which I am, I don't often leave my house from the fear of accidently meeting people but this morning I had little choice: I needed beer.  I was in the shop and spotted enemies amongst the aisles everywhere, you see them shuffling the vicinity buying old people products like prune juice whilst holding cat-food coupons.

I was in the shop for around two-and-a-half-minutes, which is way too long for me.  I knew I was just asking for trouble.

As I walked through a dingy aisle I felt a skeletal hand grip my shoulder with surprising strength.  I automatically turned around and pulled my default despicable scowl to let my repulsion be known.  My eyes were then met with a little old lady of four feet high who had the thousand fires of hell burning in her ageing ape eyes.

"Get out of the fucking way, arsehole", she screamed, the old woman's body jerked with rage in unity with her verbal assault.  I stood there disobediently and jaw-agaped looking like a man who had just been insulted by an old woman not far from her expiry date.  You don't expect it from someone who looks like they could potentially wither away and shrivel up infront of your very eyes.  If she appeared a day under 96 I would have punched her, naturally.

I do not know who exactly this person was, but for the sake of anonymity and protection of the old and vulnerable we'll call her 'Beelzebub'.

"Are you ever going to ever fucking move", Beelzebub's demented chorus continued.  I stared at the disgusting wretch in the midst of the brimstone, and the disgusting wretch stared back at me.

I couldn't be completely sure, had it just called me an arsehole?

"Did you just call me an arsehole?” I enquired.

Beelzebub quickly gave confirmation.

"OK.  Just checking!" I replied as the grappling hell-fire consumed me.

Ryanair awarded British military contract

The Ministry of Defence has today announced it has awarded the civilian airline company Ryanair a defence contract with the British military. The lucrative 10-year contract is estimated to be worth tens of millions of pounds. 

Other bidding contenders, most notably the aeronautical giants BAE systems and Boeing, were shunned after the Ministry of Defence said that the budget airline offered superior value for money. 

A spokesperson for Ryanair said they would be responsible for the transportation of soldiers and provide aircraft for the RAF. 

He said, “Ryanair is delighted with the arrangements with the MOD, which includes but is not limited to the transportation of thousands of British troops into future warzones. Also, we shall provide our well-maintained Boeing 737’s as a direct replacement for the retired Nimrod R1 spy plane. This state-of-the-art 185-seater plane will be at full capacity and provide forces on the air and ground with real-time intelligence from the scene.

The spokesperson also revealed that Ryanair is collaborating with the Ministry of Defence to help mitigate incoming military redundancies, which will see 31,000 military personnel lose their jobs by 2020. 

He said, “This potential redundancy programme will see hundreds of our highly trained cabin crew members temporarily boost numbers by working side-by-side with the military by supporting future combat operations. It is designed to safeguard against any crucial skills that may be lost.”

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, hailed the contractual agreement as a success proving that the government is upholding British military capability.

He said, “This arrangement ensures that despite deep austerity our military remains a first-class player in an increasingly unstable world. Ryanair has a proven track record of happily getting millions of Brits abroad in hectic conditions. Therefore, they are the perfect choice when rapid deployment of British soldiers is needed to maintain world peace and protect democratic values.”

The news comes a day after it was announced that military apparel, including body armour, boots and night vision goggles, was to be manufactured by sports clothing company Adidas.